So Bad at This
by gossamer - glass
Summary: #Rome/Germania and side pairings, sex implications and cursing# Rome and Germania really fail at watching over their grandchildren and protecting them from the evils of sex - even when said grandchildren are right under their noses.
1. Chapter 1

Written because two freaking pages of stories is in no way enough for this pairing.

This started off as strictly Rome/Germania dialogue, but then some Germany/Italy worked its way in there, and so did the scenic description. And the sex implications, ohonhonhon~. I might even make this a series, because these guys have so many grandkids.

The dialogue isn't labeled because it got really awkward after like three lines. But it's fairly easy to tell who is speaking.

* * *

><p>It was a bright, sunny day in the Italian park as Ludwig and Feliciano sat next to each other, Feliciano chattering on about pasta in a cheerful voice and Ludwig occasionally interjecting with his deeper tones. They hadn't been going out for a while, so it was very hard for Ludwig to adjust to this even happier side of the normally cheerful Italian.<p>

In the bushes nearby, two men were crouched, one of them watching with a pair of binoculars. To anybody else, they would have looked like an odd couple – the scowling blonde with long hair, and the perky brunette with brown curls – but in reality, they were closer than any other two people could ever be. They had fought together, killed together, almost died together, and lived together for centuries, and now they were following (_following, _not stalking) their two grandsons together. All was quiet – at least, as quiet as the world ever could be while Feliciano was on it – until the brunette started talking.

"Aww, lookit my adorable grandson! He's so adorable! He's like an adorable little ray of adoreableness!"

"You said 'adorable' four times, you dumbass. And be quieter, they might hear us."

"Are you _jealous _that I didn't say you're adorable too? Aww …"

"… I don't want to know how your mind works. Shut up so I can focus on keeping an eye on these two."

"Yeah, make sure your brute of a grandson doesn't assault my Feli. He's too innocent for that."

"W-what? _My _brute of a grandson?"

"Yeah, you barbarians are brutes."

"Says the man who invented the orgy. And I am not a barbarian!"

"I think your jealousy issue is striking up again …"

"What jealousy issue?"

"The one where you are so disappointed that you couldn't bang some hot Roman chicks and me at the same time that you hand-wave my miraculous prowess in bed. Or on the floor. Or in a closet. I'm not too picky."

"… I know."

"Oh, good. Just making sure."

"You idiot! You've been chattering and distracting me! They might have heard us!"

"Don't you mean that you've been so distracted by my sexiness that you couldn't bear to look at anything but me?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Shut up."

"So you admit it?"

"Admit what? I'm just trying to get you to shut up."

"You _know _there's a better way to get me to shut up … and I do mean that in the most perverted way poss- mmphh!"

"There. _Now _will you shut up?"

"No."

"Oh, for the love of – why not?"

"We didn't go far enough."

"… We're on a surveillance mission, we are not having sex right now!"

"Why not?"

"Because we're supposed to be watching Feliciano and Ludwig so _they _don't have sex, you dumbass."

"Why? Feli's got to lose it sometime."

"That is exactly why I am keeping an eye on him."

"Ohoho, so you want porn! I can arrange that, and it doesn't even have to be with Feli!"

"Wh-you-I no! I'm trying to keep an eye on Feliciano so he doesn't assault Ludwig!"

"Why would my cute, innocent little Feli do that?"

"… Because he's spent more than five minutes alone with you, and you are the worst influence ever."

"You know, _you've _spent a lot more than five minutes alone with me … doing _stuff _… have I corrupted you yet?"

"No. But Feliciano is stupider and probably more susceptible to whatever the hell you do that makes people listen to you."

"It's called having a beautiful, melodious voice that is like a choir of angels serenading – mmph!"

"Shut up."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes."

"But I don't wanna!"

"Shut up or I swear I will castrate you!"

"You wouldn't want to do that … unless you're really kinky. Wait. You are really kinky, aren't you?"

"…"

"Aww, you're blushing, you're so cuuuuute!~"

"…"

"Ow! Please stop, I'm sorry! Ow!"

Ludwig looked at Feliciano, who was sitting next to him on the park bench, listening to their grandfathers fight. "Are they always like this?" he asked.

"Well, Grandpa Rome is, and Grandpa Germania gets really irritated by him … so yes! They are!"

Trying to be casual, Ludwig slipped an arm over Feliciano's shoulder, only to turn bright red when his hand was kissed by the Italian. "I hope that they realize that we can hear everything that they're saying."

"Ve~ … they probably don't."

"You know, it is times like these that make me really grateful that you're a girl."

"Why?" Feliciano's face scrunched up. "Would Luddy not like me if I was a girl? Would he ignore me?" His eyes watered up, and Ludwig could tell that he was seconds away from a sob-fest.

"No, it's just … imagine what they would be like if I got you pregnant!"

Feliciano laughed and leaned in to kiss Ludwig. Of course, Rome and Germania had chosen that moment to decide that watching (_watching_, not stalking) was more important than fighting.

"Gooooo Feli!" Rome chanted, making obscene gestures with his hands. "Real men do it outside!"

"See? See what I mean?" Germania was livid. "He's assaulting poor Ludwig!" Furious, he began to hit Rome. "This. Is. All. Your. Fault!" He punctuated each word with a swift blow to the head. Unfortunately, one of his harsh smacks hit the curl at the front of Rome's head.

"Ohh … shit." Rome unconsciously gasped. Blushing, he looked at the furious German. "Uh … why don't we try to stop those two …" his voice trailed off into a whisper.

Germania paused his internal rage to look at Rome. Granted, Rome had crazy mood swings that would put a pregnant woman to shame, but for him to actually make a logical suggestion? That probably meant something was wrong with him. "Hey … Rome … are you okay?"

Rome nodded. "I'm fine. Now let's go advise little Feli on how to get some German ass!"

… And he was back to normal. Germania grabbed Rome by the ear and hauled him up, as they advanced on Ludwig and Feliciano, who were too busy making out to really notice. But then, of course, Rome put a hand on both of their shoulders and forced them apart.

"Hey," he said, smiling winningly. "Mind if we join in?" Ludwig and Feliciano stared at him in shock, and Germania hit his forehead with the heel of his palm. Leave it to Rome to completely mess up everything. The ex-nation strode over to the ex-empire, and lifted him over his shoulder so he could carry him as far away from Ludwig as possible.

… at least, that's what he would say afterward. Rome claimed that he was carrying him away for entirely _different _reasons, and he would try to explain those reasons before Germania started hitting him.


	2. Chapter 2

Spain and Romano are being stalked. Oh Spain, you're so oblivious sometimes ... xDD.

No implied sex. :( But up next is probably gonna be Francis, so ahahaha~ :D

(Who thinks that France is Rome and Germania's kid? Come on, he looks like Germania but acts like Rome. Also, Holy Roman Empire is related to Germania, but named after Rome. I think we have something here, mi amigos.)

* * *

><p>Lovino and Antonio walked down the boardwalk together, swinging their arms in unison. At the height of the up-swing, Antonio grabbed Lovino's hand.<p>

About twenty feet away, hidden behind a building, two men were watching (_watching_, not stalking) them. One of them – a blonde – held a pair of binoculars, while the other – a brunette – wore a pair of dark sunglasses. As he looked up from his binoculars, he not-so-gently elbowed his companion.

"Okay, can you try not to blow this like you did last time?"

"Is there something _else _you would like me to – ow!" The other man rubbed his ribs, trying to diffuse the sharp stab of the blonde's elbow.

"Shut up."

"Aw, what happened to kissing me to shut me up?"

"… It didn't work. Now – mmph!"

"Ohoho~ … the tables are turned, no?"

"I would like to remind you of one thing. The only reason I'm out here is because you were worried about Lovino. I, personally, have no interest in staying here; I'm doing this for you. So you better be fucking grateful."

"Awww … you're so sweet, so, so, so, so sweet …"

"Shut up and keep an eye out for your grandson."

"Oh, I see him there! He's holding hands with Antonio!"

"Well, it's not like they've been there for the past five minutes or anything …"

"Was that sarcasm?"

"No."

"It _was _sarcasm! See, I'm learning!"

"… Idiot. You are a fucking idiot."

"Was that an invitation? I didn't know that you were this … public~"

"No it wasn't, so shut the – mmph! You asshole! Listen when I'm talking to you!"

"Sorry, I don't understand barbarianese."

"You know who you sound like?"

"The awesome and totally hot guy that you really want to fuck right now but are too much of a prude to admit it?"

"No. You sound like America, what with your "Oh, look at me! I'm an idiot who thinks that the world revolves around me!" attitude."

"… You _fail _at accents. And the world does revolve around me, I can tell because it gets all whirly when I'm drunk."

"Okay, shut up. We are going to focus on your grandson, and I am going to ignore the gaping hole in your skull where your brain is supposed to go."

"Why do I have the feeling that you're trying to insult me?"

"…"

"Hey, don't go all silent-dude-with-sexy-hair on – ow!"

"Don't. Touch. My. Hair."

"Why? It's so soft and silky and touchable and I want to stroke it and …"

"If you say what I think you are going to say, you will lose the ability to have children."

"I'd rather lose the ability to walk … if you know what I – mmph!"

"Shut up. Now."

"Yay, you're back to shutting me up with kisses!"

"… I hate you. Wait, where did they go?"

"Where did who go?"

"Your grandson Lovino and his boyfriend. Where the hell did they go while you were being an asshole?"

"Huh?"

"Look, you moron – oh, nevermind, they're just getting ice creams."

"Ooh, ice creams! Do you think they would share?"

"No. First, we are staying over here to keep an eye on them. Second, they've already started eating them, and I don't think that they want your slobber all over them."

" … They're doing it wrong."

"Doing _what _wrong? They aren't fucking or killing each other, I'd say that they're doing pretty well, considering their track record."

"No, no, no, they're eating the ice creams wrong."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"They aren't turning the ice creams into sex toys. That's _wrong_."

"…"

"What?"

"…"

"Why are you staring at me like that?"

"… I think that the small part of my brain that thought that you had some sort of normalcy was run over by a truck. And then boiled alive."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. The women love me like this."

"… Shut up. Just shut up."

"You're jealous, aren't you?"

"There's nothing to be jealous of."

"I'm sorry. Here, let me make it up to you~"

"Wait-what? No, really, we should keep an eye on – mmph!"

"Better?"

"… If I say yes, will you focus on Lovino?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, yes the – get off of me! Jackass!"

"Ohoho~ I haven't _quite _finished making it up to you …"

Germania stared at the man who was currently sitting on his chest with the strangest combination of lust, stupidity, stupidity, and lust on his face. Granted, that was his regular facial expression, except for the rare occasions when it was only stupidity, but it still looked disconcerting. He rolled his eyes. "I think you have." Moving faster than was humanly possible, he crossed his legs over Rome's neck, yanking the other man back away from him.

"Yeah, I think I have too." Rome pouted. "It's such a pity …"

"I don't want to know what you had planned. I honestly think that if I didn't spend as much time around you as I do, I would be twenty times saner."

"But you don't leave me because you _looove _me!"

"… Shut up."

"And you didn't deny it either, because you _looove_ me!"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

Antonio looked over his shoulder at the two men who were fighting. "You have some … unusual … family," he said, looking at Lovino from the corner of his eye.

"Well, one of them is a potato-bastard, what do you expect?" Lovino queried, shrugging. "And of course Grandpa Rome is crazy, he always has been."

Antonio shrugged as well. He was familiar with Rome's slight oddness, as he had been the one who decided to tell Antonio that Lovino's hair curl was his erogenous zone, and then ask for pictures. _Pictures of what? _Antonio wondered.

"Hey – bastard!" Lovino's voice cut into Antonio's train of thought. "Stop thinking too much, your brain will explode. And it would get all over my shirt and ruin it, so I'd have to kill you."

Antonio stared at his boyfriend for a moment before laughing.

"What's so fucking funny, bastard?"

"Oh, nothing." Antonio paused. "Hey, you have ice cream on your face."

"What? Where?" Lovino scrubbed at his cheeks with the back of his hands. "Ugh, damn that messy shit!"

Smirking, Antonio leaned in to kiss Lovino. "Right … there," he said as he pulled away. "But don't worry, you're good now."


End file.
